You've Probably Already Guessed This But...

I am taking a break from blogging. School is busy right now and I just can't do blogging, school, and adequately take care of Cooper, so something has to go and it has to be blogging. I may drop in every so often to say hi or post a picture, but for atleast a couple more weeks I will be absent. This is may way of taking some of the stress off myself. I apologize for taking so long to make my "official announcement." Have a nice day :)

Today...

Has not been a great day for my anxiety. For a number of reason. First, I have missed a couple of my Zoloft this week. That does not help at all. Second, today was the first day of my summer semester and that brings A LOT of stress. To top it all off, my professor from one of my online classes wanted his class to email him to confirm our attendance. So I did, but from my person email, not my school account. Well, that wasn't good enough for him. Guess what? My school account has NEVER worked. I have never gotten even one email to successfully send. I sent one though. I just hope it sent :/ In the middle of this little personal crisis, Cooper was playing by himself and being quiet. Great, right? WRONG! I look over and he has put my mp3 player in my glass of tea and is splashing around in it! Well, I was going to use that mp3 player tonight to record my lecture class. UGH! So I tried to save it, but it just wasn't happening. I took it apart and took a hair dryer to it, but it was ka-put. So what did I do? I took it back... I had just bought it like 3 days ago. Yes, I know. I do not need a lecture on the Ethical nature of my decision...

I admit that I took out my anxiety on Cooper more than I should have today. I usually don't do that. I take it out on everyone else, but not him. I put him on the couch while I cleaned up his mess, and then tried to continue with email crisis. He kept finding something to get into. So what did I do? I put him in his crib. Which he hates. He SCREAMED! And I ignored him. At least for a few minutes. My mom heard him and got him out of his crib. As soon as she brought him back into the living room, he crawled up in my lap to nurse. So she took him to get a milkshake while I solved my crisis. I have apologized profusely to him since I have been home and he seems to have forgiven and forgotten. I hate anxiety. And I'm sure Cooper does, too.

Did I mention I have added several classes since I last updated you on school? I don't think I have. When I last told you the classes I would be taking classes was just class. Now it is classes, as in 4. I am taking A&P II (online), Sociology (online), Strategies for Nursing Success (online), and Abnormal Psychology (lecture). I had my first Abnormal Psych class today and so far I really like the instructor. He is funny, and even though it is a 4 hour class, it did not drag on like I thought it might. That makes me feel better about it.

Anxiety... and lots of it!

Since I was a sophomore in high school I have had panic attacks. I start crying (sometimes for no reason at all) and soon I can't breathe at all. Sometimes I will pass out, but most of the time I can get it under control before that happens.

I was on medicine prior to getting pregnant with my first baby and for the first few weeks of the pregnancy because I didn't know that I was pregnant. I believe this may have been part of the reason I lost that baby, but I don't know. I blamed myself because of it. I never resumed medication after I miscarried.

After Cooper was born, I got postpartum depression; his traumatic birth, not sleeping, and my history of anxiety were probably contributing factors. I had a really bad panic attack in the it hospital when Cooper was 2 days old. The nurses put the oxygen saturation thingy (yes that is a technical term) on me when the attack was almost over and it was only 80%. When it was almost over! This (and not sleeping) caused me to have to spend another night in the hospital instead of taking my baby boy home. My doctor prescribed Zoloft and I was to take it until he was at least 6 months old.

When he was around 6 months old I forgot to get my prescription filled for about a week. When i remembered I realized I hadn't had it for a whole week and I felt fine! So I decided not to get it filled. I did fine. No major panic attacks. Only a couple minor ones in a span of about 5 months.

Now everything has changed. Since January, I am a full time student and along with that comes some major stress. Add to that being a wife and mother and its almost too much. Since I started school my anxiety has gotten progressively worse. I knew I had my yearly check up scheduled for this week, and planned on discussing this with her. Not a moment to soon. This past week I have had a breakdown just about everyday. Little things set me off. I feel like there is a huge weight on my chest that just won't go away. I discussed this with my doctor yesterday and she asked if I got any time by myself just for me besides school. No. Jerry works thirds so he is rarely available to even help with Cooper. It's difficult to make the time to do the work for my online classes because of our conflicting schedules. This really stresses me out. I make good grades. Its just who I am. And so far I have made good grades; they just aren't as good as I would like. She said that absolutely going back on my Zoloft would be a good thing. She also suggested that I take some time for myself. Easier said than done. Also, she suggested that I get more active, such as taking Cooper on a walk or something like that. This is easier. Cooper loves to swim and my grandparents, who live next door, have a pool. I have a feeling we will be in the pool everyday. Now it just needs to get warm so we can get out there!

I will update you on how all this goes. I feel much better now that I have gotten it out.

On a brighter note, I lost 5 pounds!