The Anti-Attachment Parent
It is no secret I am in love with attachment parenting. I have breastfed Cooper for 16 months (almost) and counting. He sleeps with me every night and has since we came home from the hospital. I love baby-wearing, but Cooper has outgrown both of the baby-wearing devices I have. (I'm in the process of aquiring new one, hopefully soon!) I would LOVE to cloth diaper, but finances prevent it right now. I was not raised with attachment parents. I was not breastfed, slept in my own bed for the most part, was not worn, and wore a cloth diaper only when I had diaper rash. There is nothing wrong with that. Its just not how I've chosen to parent. I have no idea what led me to parenting this way. It certainly wasn't my husband.
My husband, while mostly supportive of the parenting choices I make, can only be described the anti-attachment parent. He was supportive of my decision to breastfeed, but his exact words were "They are your boobs; that is your decision." He would have been just as happy if I had chosen to use formula. He did sleep with his parents for a very short time as an infant, but he still would be very happy if Cooper slept in his own bed now. (For very obvious reasons that I shouldn't have to spell out for you) He could care less about baby-wearing. He did use the sling a grand total of one time when Cooper was about 3 weeks old. Since then he has been perfectly happy to push a stroller. He flat out said no to cloth diapering when I mentioned it a few months ago. I didn't push it because the finances are not there, but when the time comes to plan for Baby #2, I will get my research together and push it.
One big thing we do not agree on is spanking. I do not want our children spanked. For many reasons, but a few of them: (1) Teaching a child not to hit by hitting them is just plain stupid, (2) Parents shouldn't hurt their children, and (3) I don't think it is effective punishment. I was spanked and so was Jerry. Yet, we both have very different views about this form of punishment. He thinks it is the only way to make a child mind. I know this isn't true, but, besides time-out, I can't think of anything else. Time-out just isn't very effective at this age. But I refuse to spank or let Cooper be spanked by anyone else. I don't want Cooper to be one of those kids no one wants to be around. (You probably have a few in mind as you read this.) But I'm not sure what else to try. Any ideas??
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3 comments:
good post. I don't think i have ever heard the term "anti- attachment" parent. I wouldn't call myself an "anti AP", but rather I do what works best for Isabel and me. We have discussed all that before though. I guess my only concerns with AP are that it is very trendy now. I am not going to rank breastfeeding in "trendy" b/c thats not accurate...it's just healthier. What I mean by trendy is if you meet a mom who breastfeeds long term it seems good chances they are cosleeping, cloth diapering, baby wearing, etc. I said all that to not say those are bad...no, but to say be careful of falling into doing all those things just because they are labeled under AP. My other concern with AP is that it can be so child lead that I wonder if the child still knows the parent is in charge. I "helped" Isabel get into a schedule that suits our family. She will have to do that at some point, so why not make it habit from day 1. I just get concerned when I hear parents say their child decides when they go to bed or when they nap. I think probably part of my being jaded from being a school teacher and seeing so many kids who run the household.
As far as spanking.....we will spank. I do feel there is a developmental age when a child is more ready for spanking so that they will not just learn to hit. What age is that???? not sure and prob. different for everyone. Most moms tell me it just depends on the child. Some kids act better just with a word or two while others need to be beat!! haha...(j/k).
Sorry...so long...
I said all that not to say my way is right and his is wrong. Just that we disagree. I should have clarified that. And I agree about not getting caught up in the AP-ing thing. I do the parts I agree with and leave the parts I don't alone. Co-sleeping was something that just happened for us. We never made the choice and said "We will co-sleep." And we are not anti-stroller by any means. I carry one in my car at all times lol
from personal and professional experience, a lot of dads view parenting in this way. but that doesn't mean you can't talk about things, share research and figure out your own way of doing things!
we do not spank. what does a child learn from it? that it's okay to hit or worse- that it is okay to be hit by their parents? i was spanked as a child and i do not look at parents who spank as "bad" or anything. i just believe that there is a more efficient way of disciplining. my husband however was severely abused as a child and is horrified at the notion of physical punishment.
it is evident to me that disciplining by other means works well. every child is going to have their rotten moments and throw tantrums (they're only human after all!) but talking it out and removing them from the situation and helping them to cooldown and regroup is more effective in teaching them to control themselves instead of acting out and oh hey, hitting someone else.
good post.
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