Anxiety... and lots of it!
Since I was a sophomore in high school I have had panic attacks. I start crying (sometimes for no reason at all) and soon I can't breathe at all. Sometimes I will pass out, but most of the time I can get it under control before that happens.
I was on medicine prior to getting pregnant with my first baby and for the first few weeks of the pregnancy because I didn't know that I was pregnant. I believe this may have been part of the reason I lost that baby, but I don't know. I blamed myself because of it. I never resumed medication after I miscarried.
After Cooper was born, I got postpartum depression; his traumatic birth, not sleeping, and my history of anxiety were probably contributing factors. I had a really bad panic attack in the it hospital when Cooper was 2 days old. The nurses put the oxygen saturation thingy (yes that is a technical term) on me when the attack was almost over and it was only 80%. When it was almost over! This (and not sleeping) caused me to have to spend another night in the hospital instead of taking my baby boy home. My doctor prescribed Zoloft and I was to take it until he was at least 6 months old.
When he was around 6 months old I forgot to get my prescription filled for about a week. When i remembered I realized I hadn't had it for a whole week and I felt fine! So I decided not to get it filled. I did fine. No major panic attacks. Only a couple minor ones in a span of about 5 months.
Now everything has changed. Since January, I am a full time student and along with that comes some major stress. Add to that being a wife and mother and its almost too much. Since I started school my anxiety has gotten progressively worse. I knew I had my yearly check up scheduled for this week, and planned on discussing this with her. Not a moment to soon. This past week I have had a breakdown just about everyday. Little things set me off. I feel like there is a huge weight on my chest that just won't go away. I discussed this with my doctor yesterday and she asked if I got any time by myself just for me besides school. No. Jerry works thirds so he is rarely available to even help with Cooper. It's difficult to make the time to do the work for my online classes because of our conflicting schedules. This really stresses me out. I make good grades. Its just who I am. And so far I have made good grades; they just aren't as good as I would like. She said that absolutely going back on my Zoloft would be a good thing. She also suggested that I take some time for myself. Easier said than done. Also, she suggested that I get more active, such as taking Cooper on a walk or something like that. This is easier. Cooper loves to swim and my grandparents, who live next door, have a pool. I have a feeling we will be in the pool everyday. Now it just needs to get warm so we can get out there!
I will update you on how all this goes. I feel much better now that I have gotten it out.
On a brighter note, I lost 5 pounds!
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5 comments:
Thanks for sharing. I know it is difficult sometimes to share personal info like this. i am sorry you are having to deal with the anxiety issue along with school, cooper, and everything else. i have never dealt with anxiety but i know it is very real for some people. i used to be someone who worried ALOT...not to the point of an anxiety attack, but just worry. I finally got to the point that everytime I would start to feel overwhelmed I would say to myself "is it going to matter in 20 years?" if my answer was "no" then it was not worth worrying about now. for some reason that helped me. i am a MUCH calmer person than I was 10 years ago. I am not trying to give you some big piece of advice b/c i have never been in your shoes. I would just say to you to put things in perspective. grades are important, BUT they are a standard set up by schools to rank us. MANY of my smartest students in high school were B or C students. They had more of a balance in their life than many of the A students. The B or C students knew they needed to be well rounded and do many things good as opposed to only doing one thing Fantastic! (Some people can do all things FANTASTIC...but that is a lot of stress on one person). I know you have many things you are not willing to compromise on, especially with Cooper, but I have sensed that you have very high expectations of yourself as a mom. That is good...but Cooper needs you to be healthy emotionally too. Happy baby is napping right now and will be for atleast another hour. that gives me a good amount of time to RELAX, read, etc. Also my mom keeps her one day a week so I can do other things. My mom loves it and I am so thrilled to be back with HB in the afternoon. Just some thoughts...again not trying to tell you how to "fix" the problem. Again, thanks for sharing
Yes, you are right. I do have high expectations of myself. If its gets to be too much and something has to give a litt;e, it will have to be my grades. I won't give Cooper less than he deserves. Although school is for him too. I usually either nap with Cooper or hold him while he sleeps. As you know, he does not sleep by himself. Most of the time I am ok with that. My nana has started watching Cooper while I get some work done lately and that has helped ALOT. Jerry can watch him, but if I am in the house, he is still going to want me. If he is across the street at Nana's, I can actually get stuff done! Thank you for your input! I do need to realize that I can't always do everything perfectly everytime!
hey i deleted my last comment b/c sometimes i think i need to know when to just stop talking...haha....u prob. already got it via your phone or email though...
Yes I did already get it and read it. But there was no reason to delete it. You were right, and it was something I needed to hear :)
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